So lately, I’m thinking about really trying to make the transition from being a seeker to being a finder. Theoretical frameworks are good and all, but just because I can talk to you about things doesn’t mean that I will be peaceful. As peace, love, and true joy are rapidly becoming my only goal, seeking just doesn’t really do it for me anymore. It’s interesting to me how the ego can use these frameworks as another delay maneuver to actually prevent progress. There are plenty of frameworks that point to an experience of perfect peace, but without applying these frameworks, they are ultimately worthless. David is fond of saying that the spiritual journey is one percent framework, ninety nine percent application. The framework was useful in releasing blocks and increasing willingness, but ultimately, I must look inward to an experience, because the words are not what generate peace in me. Seeking other texts or tools to help are useful until contemplation and inquiry have taken me as far as they can. I must practice. I must accept that if there is ever going to be lasting peace, I must find it now. Now is all there is. I must empty the contents of consciousness and admit that I was wrong about absolutely everything. Seeking for patches in form is not useful because the problem is not in form. The problem is in my mind. I have a perceptual problem that goes far past thought (I’m unworthy) past belief (the ego is a real choice) to desire (I want to make myself and be special) The desire to make myself and hide from light is ultimately the reason that I believe that there could be something other than love. I am finding what I am seeking because I am afraid of the light. It is necessary to correct perception then so that my thoughts change. As my thoughts change, so will my belief. I will finally see that my desire is misplaced. Ultimately I must look on the insanity of the ego thought system and dismiss it as worthless. And I will not see that it is worthless if I do not see it exactly as it is. As I choose love in each moment, all that is unlike love will be raised into awareness. The purpose of my practice is to fully understand the depth of guilt and pain the mind feels by identifying with the ego. Only then will it be forgiven, because only then will the ego seem unappealing. Only when the ego is forgiven will I be able to realize the ego never was.
I can tell you the ego never was. A Course in Miracles would say the ego never was. Blindly believing the words offers some comfort, but practice is the only way to eliminate doubt in my mind. The practice is simple for me now, because I am starting to approach the simplicity of truth.
I ask in each moment:
1. ‘What is given now?’
And watch peacefully as that which is given now unfolds. By making a choice to try and give up control, this corrects the belief that I can control. While choice seems possible I must choose to not control so that I can see there was no choice. When I accept the correction, I can see my desire was misplaced, and that I am actually happier when I do not identify with the self I made. I see this by becoming aware of the witness of the events unfolding in this world. This witness is perfect and has no lack. All thoughts come and go but the witness just watches and shines. There is a light in my mind that is thoroughly unconcerned because it has never attacked, nor can be attacked. There is infinite joy and peace in being aware of this light. The light does not change, but if I choose to identify with a concept, or believe that choice is meaningful, I will lose awareness of this light because I still want to be special and make choices by myself. Guilt will surely follow, because I have chosen against all there is in reality.
The light in my mind calls to me. The course states that this light actually is me. This realization will end all guilt forever, because in this realization, the world disappears. The light has never sinned, is eternal and cannot ever be broken into fragments. It was just the light’s identification with a mad thought system, the ego, that made the images seem real. All this I understand intellectually, but I do not desire the experience enough to experience myself as the light. This would mean the dissolution of the sense of self, the end of specialness, and the end of the belief that I can create myself. It is interesting to note that I could even look upon the full insanity of the ego were it not for the fear of the love buried underneath it.
Words cannot cure this fear. The only remedy is practice. By giving my heart over to the light within, I become aware of all things in my mind unlike the light. This fear of the loss of self will evaporate eventually, because it is the only thing I ever wanted but it may seem to take a while. Consistent awareness of the witness to the dream is my one goal now. By giving my mind over to this light, I can watch as the symbols of the world demonstrate that the light is all there is. I can use the symbols to convince my mind that the light is not to be feared, but rather, embraced. That is my way home.
Will my mind identify with the ego during this process? Probably… Literally all my past learning has taught me that that was my identity. Even when I feel pain, it is becoming easier to stomach because I know the pain will go. The witness remains unchanged and I can identify with it as soon as the thoughts that are blocking the awareness of the witness pass. It is becoming easier to catch these egoic thoughts and dismiss them as unreal, because I am becoming more convinced of the constant nature of the witness in my mind. This is the meaning of true forgiveness. I forgive what never was, instead of forgiving out of charity to make myself ‘better’ and build a self concept.
When I cannot even forgive, I find that two other thoughts are helpful:
2. ‘My one goal is to be aware of my self.’
This clarifies purpose in my mind. Often, upset comes to my mind because I put other goals before this one. I think finishing a project, or having enough food or anything in form is more important than this goal. I then lose awareness of my self because I have chosen against it. This clarification of purpose reminds me that nothing in form is causative, and I can just step back from what I think I want out of any situation and accept the peace that is. Usually, thinking it is enough to effect the change. However, the thought is no more magic than any other thought. If my desire is not to experience my self, I will not in that moment whether or not I think that thought. The desire to have something other than myself will pass though, and I can choose once again.
3. ‘I do not know anything.’
All thoughts are concepts. They are not the light in my mind, and this witness will never be reached by concepts. All concepts are equally false. Sometimes the awareness of light is blocked by thinking I know something about the world or myself. These concepts create expectations about scenarios, which in turn will block the awareness of Self if the expectation is not met. This thought helps me to realize I don’t know my best interests. If I don’t even know who I am, how can I judge what will help me? This thought allows me to recognize when I am holding a concept as more valuable than acceptance of what is. Again, I may desire the concept more than the acceptance, but this desire will pass because the concept is unreal. And I choose once again.
These three thoughts together form most of what is my current practice.
1. What is given now?
2. My one goal is to be aware of my self.
3. I do not know anything.
Of course this may all get simpler. Thoughts 2 and 3 are not strictly necessary for a mind that can forgive ego thoughts and recognize their unreality quickly. Even thought 1 is unnecessary for a mind that trusts. I think. Which is part of the problem of course…
Well, we’ll see how it goes.
I would sign off with, ‘may you find what you seek,’ but really, you always find what you seek. The mind is that powerful, so…
May you choose what you seek wisely!